I believe you may have inadvertently misrepresented my sudden disappearance. I guess when you have a brain the size of a walnut, such a misunderstanding can easily occur, however, I feel I must dispel the impression that your fans may have that I would knowingly and intentionally leave you for any reason, meritoriously or frivolously. Ce n'est pas possible!
The truth of the matter is that I have been kidnapped by Ms. Blonde One. I know you may find this hard to believe as she presents such a wholesome, perky demeanour, but the sad fact is that since moving to Toronto, she has developed a highly unsavoury and sadistic nature. I am now at her mercy, and I tell you, the torture she has exposed me to today will no doubt leave me scarred for life: smog, an inept taxi driver, a clogged highway, a delayed flight, turbulenece, seriously confined spaces, fidgety neighbours, pre-packaged food (using that word, food, in its broadest form), incessent rain, a crack house tour, a leaky pub, a misplaced umbrella, cold feet -- could you honestly believe that I would choose these horrors over spending time with you.
At the time of writing, it's been 14 hours, 10 minutes, 31 seconds, and 3 blinks of an eye since I saw you, and I do not know how much more of this I can endure. I can only hope Mr. Peeps is treating you better than Ms. Blonde One is treating me. I will do my best to escape her wily clutches and return to you post haste and direct!
Your true beloved,